Canyonero! Drivers are flocking to the Hummer 2, the latest object of SUV fetishism. I’ve seen lots of these beats driving around Tucson lately. These things are even more obscene than the Escalanche. $50,000+, extra chrome on the “brush guard,” 10 miles to the gallon, and heated seats.

Sam Bernstein, a San Francisco dealer of Asian art, said he had never driven an SUV before he fell for the Hummer. He drives the Hummer to work and uses it to transport art and sculpture. On the weekends, he and his wife like to go off-road to look at birds.

“I’m a Sierra Club member,” said Bernstein, who noted that he avoids such disposables as paper cups. “You can be environmentally correct and drive a Hummer.”

Yeah, really making a difference there, Sam. No paper cups? Yeah, that will redeem you. Can the Sierra Club actually kick out members?

Says “Team Hummer” manager Gerry Schumacher, now that Americans feel vulnerable for the first time

” clients like to know that if they had to get off Highway 101 and go over Mount Tam, they could. That’s where it turns into a family insurance policy.”

Yeah, sure. The Hummer’s really all about survival in the face of terror. Right. Terror and the 9-speaker Bose sound system, yes. By the way, the ability to drive right up the mountain will do precious little good when you’re stuck, along with the rest of the city, on the Bay Bridge.

Canyonero! Wheehah!