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He makes this stuff up so I don't have to

They let the Darwin guy write another letter to the editor:

Another Darwin’s theory: Could I please enlist the help of any animal behaviorists out there? If I teach a troop of chimpanzees to carry a gallon paint bucket, a brush and let them practice on my home, how long before I have a professional crew that I can go into the painting business with? I think it will take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

Another Darwin’s theory: Could I please enlist the help of any mathematical geniuses of probable cause out there? If I completely dismantled my 17-jewel Rolex watch with a 69-diamond-faced sapphire crystal, put it into my whirl-wind vacuum with all the components of a storage cell battery, and turn it off and on every 60 seconds starting at noon today, how long will I have to wait before my watch tells the correct time? I think it would take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

Another Darwin’s theory: Could I please enlist the help of any top contractual lawyers out there? If I open a chimpanzee hand carwash, are my employees subject to state labor-agreement laws and anti-strike clauses? How can I avoid a company takeover and keep my chimpanzees from starting their own franchise if they evolve too quickly, then decide to start some new monkey business? I think they might try to overtake my business in time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

I am impressed by the increasingly Rube Goldbergian quality to this entry, what with the “storage cell battery” and the “whird-wind vacuum,” and I admit that we might all be cheered by the prospect of an all-chimpanzee paint crew willing to do the painting jobs that Americans refuse. But I think the author is reaching when he suggests that chimps will develop labor unions. [There’s a cheap shot there, I just know it.]

Seriously, words fail. How is one supposed to engage in a debate with this? How does a letter like this become the counterargument to The Panda’s Thumb?