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He makes this stuff up so I don't have to

They let the Darwin guy write another letter to the editor:

Another Darwin’s theory: Could I please enlist the help of any animal behaviorists out there? If I teach a troop of chimpanzees to carry a gallon paint bucket, a brush and let them practice on my home, how long before I have a professional crew that I can go into the painting business with? I think it will take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

Another Darwin’s theory: Could I please enlist the help of any mathematical geniuses of probable cause out there? If I completely dismantled my 17-jewel Rolex watch with a 69-diamond-faced sapphire crystal, put it into my whirl-wind vacuum with all the components of a storage cell battery, and turn it off and on every 60 seconds starting at noon today, how long will I have to wait before my watch tells the correct time? I think it would take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

Another Darwin’s theory: Could I please enlist the help of any top contractual lawyers out there? If I open a chimpanzee hand carwash, are my employees subject to state labor-agreement laws and anti-strike clauses? How can I avoid a company takeover and keep my chimpanzees from starting their own franchise if they evolve too quickly, then decide to start some new monkey business? I think they might try to overtake my business in time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

I am impressed by the increasingly Rube Goldbergian quality to this entry, what with the “storage cell battery” and the “whird-wind vacuum,” and I admit that we might all be cheered by the prospect of an all-chimpanzee paint crew willing to do the painting jobs that Americans refuse. But I think the author is reaching when he suggests that chimps will develop labor unions. [There’s a cheap shot there, I just know it.]

Seriously, words fail. How is one supposed to engage in a debate with this? How does a letter like this become the counterargument to The Panda’s Thumb?

No, it really is not

No, seriously, it’s not Darwin’s theory:

Could I please enlist the help of any scientists of probable cause out there?

If I put my wife in front of the mirror three times a day and have my blind friend shoot colored paint balls at the mirror, how long would I have to wait for the splatter hitting her face to have her make-up applied properly? I think it would take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

Regarding another of Darwin’s theories, could I please enlist the help of some computer geniuses out there?

If I program my computer to have one earthquake every day; two category-five hurricanes three times every four days; five category-five tornadoes six times every seven days; eight nine-hour, 10-inch hale storms every 11 days; 12 13-inch monsoon rain storms every 14 days; and 15 16-inch snowstorms every 17 days, and make them all happen in the area of the granite mountain El Capitan, how long will it take to make a replica of Mount Rushmore?

I think it will take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.

For another of Darwin’s theories, could I please enlist the help of theoretical engineers?

If I dismantle my Toyota truck and put it in a large roller drum and continuously let it roll, how long will it take before I can drive my truck again? I think it will take a long time, but that’s Darwin’s theory.


About, the short version

I’m a sociologist-errant. This site is powered by Textpattern, Pair Networks and the sociological imagination. For more about me and this site, see the long version.

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